I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
