It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
