WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
