I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize