I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
