i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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