I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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