saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
