it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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