barbara walters just said penis...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
