I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
