So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
