you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
