The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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