The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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