Responsibility does not care about your dick.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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