is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
