Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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