Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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