you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
