my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
