According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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