Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
