this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize