I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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