life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
