...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize