I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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