Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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