It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
