At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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