Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
