I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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