I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
