Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
