Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
