i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
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