i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
