Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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