My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Randomize
