so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
