I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
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