i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
