I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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