He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
