Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
