There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
