we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
