I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
