I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
