i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
