I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
