just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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