Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
foreskin is a definite game changer
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
