Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
