ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
