I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
